Active Listening: How to listen and make others feel heard
Improve your listening skills to help others feel truly heard.
By Dr Daniel Farrant, a senior clinical psychologist and Mentemia’s Clinical Product Specialist.
Active listening is a way to listen and to show you’re listening. It helps to build rapport and allow someone to feel comfortable talking to you. It also helps other people feel heard and understood.
The concept may sound simple, but it takes some practice. Here’s our guide to active listening. These aren’t hard and fast rules, but general guidelines to think about and experiment with.
How to practice active listening
Active listening is all about attention.
Show someone you’re paying attention to them. Don’t multitask – drop everything else, and listen.
Use your senses to help you stay engaged. What can you see and hear?
It’s very natural for your mind to wander. When you notice this happening, just bring your attention back to what you can see, and hear, and continue listening to the person speak.
Try not to get distracted by your own thoughts, feelings, or urges to say something. Again, it’s natural to have all sorts of thoughts, feelings, and urges – just take note of these, and refocus on paying attention.
Let them finish speaking – don’t leap in to offer suggestions.
Pay attention to their vocal tone, posture, and other non-verbal cues.
How to show you’re listening
Use non-verbal cues, such as facial expressions and body language, to show the person you’re listening to them.
Facial expressions
Try to appear warm - smile (if appropriate) or show any other facial expression that you feel suits the situation.
Eye contact
Maintain an appropriate level of eye contact – not too much, not too little. This can differ between people and cultures.
Generally, use more eye contact while they are talking, and less while you’re talking.
Body posture and movements
Try to keep a relaxed posture. Notice if you are tensing the muscles in your face, neck, or shoulders, and if so, let some of that tension go.
If sitting, lean towards the person talking slightly.
Try not to move around too much, especially during more serious or meaningful parts of the conversation.
Use smooth hand gestures.
Keep an open attitude
Curiosity is key. Be curious about what’s going on for someone, and open to hearing about it, without judgement.
Seek to understand, not judge or solve. You don’t need to have all the answers. Just show that you care and you’re interested in what they are saying.
Think of the person as capable. This can stop you from trying to ‘rescue’ them with suggestions. Only offer support if that’s what they want.
When it’s your turn to talk
Remember, you don’t have to solve things. Helping someone feel heard and understood is often enough.
While it may seem strange, sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is to say nothing. Take a breath. Slow down. And make room for a moment of silence. This gives you both a chance to reflect. You can do this before you start to talk, or at any time in the conversation.
Try to match the pace, tone, and volume of the person.
When you’re ready, reflect back what they’ve said to you in a way that shows you’ve understood. Try not to add anything, e.g. judgements, opinions, or big interpretations.
Ask relevant questions, including asking for clarification if you need it. This shows you care enough to get it right.
Summarise. After you’ve understood what’s happening, try to summarise what they’ve talked about, then ask “does this sound right”?
Finally, ask if they want any advice, suggestions, or help – and only offer it if they say yes.
Remember: everyone is different
Different people have different needs when it comes to being listened to – you may need to experiment with the variables above.
Remember to go easy on yourself. Sometimes, listening to others – especially when they’re struggling – is hard. Therapists train for years to do this well! So, you don’t have to be perfect at it.
If you pay attention, keep an open mind, show that you care and understand, and avoid offering suggestions (unless that’s what someone wants!), you should make a difference to the people around you, and your relationships, with your active listening skills.
If you suspect a friend, family member or colleague is feeling distressed, read how to spot the signs and what you can do to help.
