Dear loved ones, please know this

Tips and insight for anyone who wants to better support anyone going through a mental health challenge.

When you're experiencing mental health challenges, it can be hard to talk to your loved ones about your feelings. You might be worried they will misinterpret what you say, offer unwanted advice, or assume untrue things about you.

When people react poorly to your mental health, know this is not about you. People often have no genuine concept of what mental health means, don't know what to say, or are concerned about saying the wrong thing, so they choose to say nothing.

It's also tricky to have conversations about mental health when you're experiencing it. But, like this article, you might find it helpful to ask the people in your life to read something that will help them understand.

Here are five things people experiencing mental health challenges want their loved ones to know.

1. There are no magic fixes

While there are definitely things we can do to support our mental health, there are no magic fixes that will change our symptoms overnight. No amount of green smoothies, walks on the beach, or social outings will make our mental health challenges suddenly disappear. These things are lovely and help us to function better, but our mental health will likely be something we struggle with for a long time. We'll have good days and not-so-good days.

What we need most from you, dear loved one, is to be there for us on our not-so-good days without trying to rush in with solutions. We don’t expect you to have any answers. We just need to know you’re there.

2. Sometimes, there’s no reason for why we feel the way we do

Mental health struggles are sometimes triggered by a specific event, but often it happens without an easily identifiable reason. They can affect anyone at any time. When someone tries to pinpoint an exact reason for what we’re experiencing, it can feel invalidating. It also suggests that if we 'fix' the cause, we might also fix the condition. However, the reality is far more complicated. We might come to terms with past events and still struggle with mental health.

We need you, dear loved one, to understand that our mental health is not a puzzle we want you to solve. We might not feel comfortable reflecting on our past in great detail. Please be guided by us and let us lead the conversations, rather than wondering out loud why we may feel the way we do.

3. We’re trying our best

From the outside looking in, it may not always seem like we're doing enough to look after our mental health. But we're trying our best. Sometimes, our best looks like moving through our days easily and achieving the goals we've set for ourselves. Other times, doing our best might look like spending a day in bed or running late to every appointment.

We need you, dear loved one, to meet us where we're at – every day. Please don't hold us to the standards of our great days or always expect us to function as we do at our lowest. Instead, keep an open mind and trust that we're doing the best we can at any given time.

4. Everyone is different

What works for someone else might not work for us. Although we know you mean well, when you make suggestions and expect these suggestions to be life-changing, it can pressure us to live up to these expectations. We appreciate your gentle suggestions and know there are small things we can do to feel better. Still, please understand that we're all different. A good example is meditation – this is a powerful mental health tool for some people, but it can make some people feel worse.

What we need from you, dear loved one, is to give us plenty of space to find what works for us. And to understand that what works for us might change from week to week or even day to day!

5. We appreciate you

You may be reading this and thinking, "but I'm only trying to help!". We're sorry if this comes across as confronting or like we're complaining. We truly, sincerely appreciate you being there for us. We appreciate every kind word, every time you ask us how we're doing, and all the times you try to say the right things but fall short. Please keep showing up for us and helping us feel less alone.

We need you, dear loved one, to reflect on the above points. Please understand we're not trying to make you feel guilty or ashamed or push you away. On the contrary, we need you in our corner! We want to know that you love us unconditionally on good and bad days. Thank you for reading and being there.