Conflict: What to do when you feel wronged
How to approach conflict resolution when you feel you’ve been wronged by someone.
Feeling hurt or angry because of something someone has said, done, or implied can be painful and confusing.
Do you retaliate in the heat of the moment? Vow to never speak to the person again? Or try to forget about it and pretend it never happened?
These are all common responses, but they don’t tend to solve the problem or make you feel better. Instead, they can snowball into more conflict, anger, and resentment.
When feelings are unresolved it can cause problems in relationships as trust gets eroded. Unresolved conflict might lead to more conflict further down the line, resulting in a painful cycle.
So, how can you communicate about what happened without escalating the situation?
Below are some strategies to try.
1. Take some time
Responding in the heat of the moment, when emotions are high, is often not the best approach. If you can, remove yourself from the person or situation to breathe and gather your thoughts.
You may feel upset, shocked, angry, or all kinds of emotions. Try to show self-compassion. It’s okay to feel the way you do.
Acknowledge and validate your emotions by stating how you feel. Simple statements such as “I feel ______ because of ______” might help you to process your feelings.
Sometimes, naming the way you feel can also help you to feel calmer and more in control.
If you need to, talk things through with someone you trust. Try to talk to someone detached from the situation, with no preconceived ideas about the other person involved.
2. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes
When you feel ready, try to give the other person the benefit of the doubt.
Is it possible that they were having a bad day? Or that they thought they were being helpful? Perhaps they were distracted or exhausted?
Often, people do not mean to hurt others. Consider other things that may be going on in their life.
Empathising with the person who hurt your feelings doesn’t mean that their behaviour was acceptable. You still have a right to your feelings, and to let the person know how their words or actions impacted you.
But, empathy can help you to feel calmer and more willing to resolve the conflict. After putting yourself in their shoes, you may feel less angry or upset.
3. Ask yourself: What do I need?
Once you have had the chance to acknowledge your feelings and consider the other person’s situation, ask yourself what you need.
For example, would you like an apology? Would you like the person to acknowledge the impact their words or actions had on you? Or would you like to tell them how you feel so you can hopefully avoid similar misunderstandings in the future?
Think about what you need. You could try writing your thoughts down or talking them through with someone close.
It helps to calm down and process your feelings before approaching the person to talk about things.
Sometimes talking about conflict can be challenging, and it’s easier – in the short term – to just sweep it under the rug. But this can build up and cause problems later on. Instead, try to think about the long term, and how working through this conflict together could make you closer friends, partners, family members, or colleagues.
4. Approach the person involved
Ask the person involved for a moment of their time. Make it clear that you would like to talk about something important. Ask, “Have you got some time to talk?”, or “Is this a good time to talk about something?”
When approaching them, try not to hang your head or apologise for the way you feel. Equally, try not to laugh about it or make light of it too much. Your feelings are important.
Keep in mind that what you’re about to raise may be surprising to the other person. Perhaps start by saying that they are usually very helpful, or (insert truthful and relevant statement about their good qualities here), but something has happened and you’d like to talk about it to clear the air between you. It can really help to let people know your intention to resolve things together. For example “Hey, we usually get on / work really well together, but something happened and I’d like to have a chat about it so we can work something out”.
Next, state clearly what it was that they did or didn’t do. State the impact this had on you, your life, and your feelings about it.
Next talk about what you would like from here. Perhaps recognition of what happened, and discussing how to prevent it in future. If there were further reaching impacts – such as their comments leading to problems with other people, too – talk through how that could be resolved.
If the person becomes angry or defensive, think about whether you may have made some personal judgements rather than sticking to facts. If you have, acknowledge that, and come back to the facts about what happened.
In any case it might be a good idea to acknowledge that this may have taken them by surprise, and suggest leaving them some time to process the discussion and come back to you.
Occasionally, people will never be ready to acknowledge the role they played, or offer an apology or acknowledgement. This is also important information for you – you can consider that fact, and think about what you will do next.
If the conversation goes well, and they are understanding and able to think about their role in what happened, try to end on a positive note. Highlight behaviours they already do that you appreciate, and thank them for talking things through together.
Please note: This article is intended to help with minor conflicts. If you have experienced physical or emotional abuse at home or at work, please seek professional support from local workplace or domestic violence services.