How to be more assertive about your wants and needs
Here’s how to be more assertive about getting these needs met.
Everyone has wants and needs. It’s an essential part of being human.
Being assertive means being open and straightforward about what you want, need, or believe.
Assertiveness can help you live a life that’s true to your values. It’s a way to be honest about what you need to thrive.
Here are some types of assertive behaviour.
Saying yes
Saying no
Asking for help
Stating a preference or opinion
Stating an opposite opinion
Complimenting someone
Sticking up for yourself
Sticking up for someone else
Suggesting plans
Do some of these types surprise you? You’ll see opportunities for assertiveness are everywhere, from everyday conversations to more structured, planned interactions.
You might not always get what you want or need – and your wishes and beliefs will likely evolve over time – but you will probably feel good for trying.
It might help to think of assertiveness as being clear, both with yourself and others. Clear, open, respectful communication often leads to happier, healthier relationships.
With this in mind, here are some tips for being more assertive in all areas of your life.
Feeling exhausted by the demands of others? It might be time to set some boundaries. Find out how to set personal boundaries to protect your energy.
The 5 As of Assertiveness
Whenever you plan to be more assertive, consider these 5 As.
1. Awareness
Know what you feel, what you need, and what you want. This is often easier said than done. It might help to set aside some time for quiet reflection, journalling, or talking things out with someone you trust.
2. Attitude
Being assertive might feel scary at first. Know that it’s OK to feel and to have wants and needs. Spend some time validating your own feelings. Also, remember that whoever you might talk to or deal with also has needs and wants - so try to cultivate a win-win attitude. This will help to ensure the best outcome for everyone involved.
3. Attention
Focus on what you need to do to meet your wants and needs. Do things need to happen or change? Do you need to talk to someone and have an open conversation?
4. Alternatives
Think through all the options available to you when it comes to getting your wants and needs met, and expressing yourself. For example, if you need to talk to someone else about this, what are the different approaches you could take? Try to come up with various options.
5. Action
Take action. Once you are clear on what it is you want, you have a constructive attitude towards any potential interactions, and have decided on the best thing to do, take action. Initiate that conversation, write that letter, or book that appointment.
Shifting to an assertive mindset
If being assertive is new for you, or you’re struggling to feel confident about doing so, these mindset tips might help.
Start with the 5 As of Assertiveness
Refer to the list above to get in the zone for an assertive conversation or interaction.
Reflect on your default behaviour
Do you have a default way of acting around others? For example, do you tend to be more passive (putting other people’s needs first), aggressive (putting your needs first, but perhaps loudly or rudely) or passive aggressive (complaining to get your needs met?).
Try not to feel bad or ashamed about your default setting. All of these behaviours are common – you can probably think of several people who communicate in each way.
Assertiveness (being clear about what you want or need, while being respectful of others) is something to aspire to, and getting there starts with awareness about default behaviours.
Identify some ‘easy wins’
Think about the skills you are good at and the situations where you feel confident. These could be ‘easy wins’ for testing out more assertive behaviour.
Jot down the opposite, too, so you’re aware of situations you might find more challenging. Try to start with the ‘easy wins’ and work your way up to people or places where you may find assertiveness difficult.
Come up with your ‘why’
Be clear on your intention and your ideal outcome before asserting yourself. Why do you want to be more assertive in life – and in this specific situation? Questions such as ‘How might it help you?’ and ‘How might it help others?’ may help if you’re unclear.
Think about how you would like the conversation to go, how you want to be, and the result you would like to achieve. This could include wanting to be clear and say what you think, while respecting the other person, and coming up with a solution that you’re both happy with.
Keeping an ideal outcome in mind can also help you to stay motivated to take action, especially if you feel out of your comfort zone.
Make a plan and try role play
Start by writing what you might say or do in a specific situation, then role play with someone you feel comfortable with.
In role play – and in real-life situations – be aware of your non-verbal cues, such as posture and tone-of-voice.
Here are some more tips to practice during your role play:
Maintain good eye contact and a confident posture
Describe the situation using facts and avoiding judgements
Show understanding by listening to the other person’s viewpoint. Make others feel truly heard with Active Listening.
Say clearly how you’re feeling
State clearly what you need/want
Be willing to compromise or explore all options (while still keeping your goals front of mind)
Don’t apologise for having needs, wants, or beliefs
Experiment
It’s time to test out being more assertive in real life! Give it a go, then keep practising.
Try to be patient. Getting out of your comfort zone is hard, so try to celebrate the wins and lessons along the way. Every small step counts, and every hurdle is an opportunity to learn.
Remember, being assertive is about being clear, open, and honest – all excellent communication traits at home, in the workplace, and beyond.