What ‘being assertive’ really means
Hint: It’s more important for your mental wellbeing than you might think.
‘Assertive’ is a word that people often interpret differently.
Some people think of being assertive as being confident and outgoing. Others think of being assertive as being aggressive, pushy, or confrontational.
Confidence is close to the mark, at least according to the Cambridge Dictionary.
Assertive (adj): Someone who is assertive behaves confidently and is not frightened to say what they want or believe.
In this light, assertiveness is about being open and honest about your feelings, values, and wishes.
That’s why being assertive can be so good for your mental wellbeing. When you’re able to express yourself honestly and openly, you can be true to yourself and honour what you need to thrive.
According to ‘The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook’ by E.J. Bourne, assertiveness can be compared with other types of behaviour, including passive, aggressive, and passive aggressive.
Passive: Neglecting yourself, your needs and wants, and giving way to others. Or, saying or asking for what you need – but then feeling bad about it and apologising excessively.
Aggressive: Putting your needs and wants above others in a loud, abrupt, or rude manner.
Passive aggressive: Being unclear about what you feel or need, but then trying to get your needs met indirectly, e.g. through complaining.
Assertive: Being open and straightforward about your feelings and needs. Respecting others, but not over-apologising or feeling bad for having needs.
You can be assertive and also shy, reserved, open to other ideas, and willing to negotiate. You can also feel worried, or unconfident, and still behave in an assertive way. Needs and wants evolve over time. Assertiveness helps you to express what you require in the moment, which can be good for your sense of autonomy.
Benefits of being assertive
It’s normal to have moments acting in a passive, aggressive, or passive aggressive way. However, it’s worth trying to be assertive as often as you can.
It might help to replace the word ‘assertive’ with the word ‘clear’.
Imagine how much better your relationships would be if you communicated clearly more often?
Here are some more benefits of being assertive (or clear) to highlight its importance.
1. People won’t have to read your mind
If you want someone to truly understand your perspective, you must let them know.
2. You won’t bottle up your emotions
When you bottle up your emotions, you’re likely to eventually burst – this isn’t a nice experience to go through, and it can also lead to conflict.
3. You might get what you want more often
If you’re not assertive, you’ll struggle to get what you want. You might also agree to things you don’t want.
4. Your relationships might improve
Clear, open communication is crucial to many relationships. Being assertive can lead to better relationships in all areas of life.
What’s stopping you from being assertive?
Being assertive doesn’t always come naturally. Like most things in life, it’s a behaviour you might need to practice and work at for a while.
Here are some common ‘assertiveness roadblocks’ to watch out for.
1. Not knowing how you feel
To be assertive, you need to first have clarity around what it is you want or need. Before communicating with others, spend some time getting clear yourself.
2. Thinking it’s selfish
Some people worry that being assertive is being selfish. That it’s not OK to have feelings, opinions, needs, or wants. This is simply not true!
3. Other people not listening
Being assertive doesn’t mean that other people will automatically come around to your way of thinking or agree with you. It’s OK to disagree. However, if the people around you never listen to your wants or needs, it may be important to talk about this with them. If that doesn’t help, you may consider building other, more supportive, relationships.
4. Feeling very strong emotions
Some emotions feel too big and overwhelming to communicate clearly to others. You may need to take some time to process these emotions through breathing, and writing about them or talking about them with someone you trust.
5. An imbalance of power
You might worry about being assertive with someone in a more powerful position than you, such as your boss or another authority figure. In these situations, it’s still important to express your needs. Try talking to other people you trust about how you could approach these situations.
Remember: Being assertive is a good thing
Being assertive is about being clear, open, and honest. These are all valued communication traits in a workplace and other environments.
The clearer you can communicate your thoughts and opinions, your needs, or how you feel, the better you’ll be able to thrive as part of a team, family unit, or any other group situation.
As with anything, it may feel scary at first, but with practice and time, it will start to feel natural.
Give it a try and take note of the difference being assertive makes in your relationships with your friends, colleagues, and family members.