What to say when someone is not ok
How to have a conversation with someone you think may be struggling.
Checking in with the people in our lives is really important.
It might sound obvious, but we can’t always tell from the outside how well someone is doing, or what they’re feeling inside.
Sometimes however there are small signs that things have changed. Perhaps the person is quieter than usual, more withdrawn or they’re not behaving as they normally would. Perhaps it’s just a gut instinct you have that something isn’t quite right.
Just because the person hasn’t mentioned anything doesn’t automatically mean that everything is fine. While some people will naturally reach out to others when they’re having a tough time, not everyone responds this way. That’s when opening up a conversation can make a real difference.
If you feel that someone might be struggling and you want to check in, here are some things to consider that might help:
Firstly, make sure you are ready to have the conversation.
Are you in the right headspace to listen to someone if they need support? If it’s not you then maybe you can think of someone else who could help.
Think about when and where:
Choose a time when you will actually be able to stop and really engage if they do want to talk.
Try and pick a setting where there will be no interruptions. It’s hard to open up if you think you’ll be overheard or disturbed. If it’s a colleague you could step outside and take a walking meeting, or go out for coffee. This can be a better environment for talking about difficult topics. If it’s a friend or family member you could think about going for a drive or taking a walk in a calming nature setting, like the bush or at the beach.
What if they’re not ready to talk?
If the person is not wanting to talk yet, sometimes it can be helpful to share something from your own life or talk briefly about your own ups and downs. It is normal to feel a bit anxious right now, so that might allow you to broach the subject naturally. You might also start the conversation by saying something along the lines of “I’ve noticed you’ve been quiet lately/ seem worried/are not yourself”. Follow up with “Can you tell me what’s happening for you/ what’s going on?” Emphasise that you understand that things can be hard to talk about, but you care and you’re here to listen without judgement.
Advice from JK on having the courage to step and ask if someone needs help without any judgement.
What to say if they say they’re not ok
The most important thing to do is listen. Be encouraging: “there’s no rush, take your time”. Nod your head occasionally, so they can see you’re really hearing them. Adding in the odd “I see” or “I understand” can be affirming. You can even repeat back to them what you’ve heard to show that you’re paying attention.
Your role is to listen and show understanding, without judgement. You do not need to offer advice. It’s not about having the answers, or trying to ‘fix’ the problem, it’s simply about being there. Be patient and sit with them in their silence if they need time to think.
What to do next
Encourage them to seek professional help if they have been feeling this way for more than two weeks or if you think they need it. If they’re reluctant you could offer to go with them to their GP or help them access a support service.
After the initial conversation, check in regularly to see how they’re doing. Let them know you’re still here for them and you want to help.
By connecting, listening and showing you care, you could make a huge difference in someone’s life.
For more information and advice, visit ruok.org.au
