How to stop comparing challenges and start validating emotions.
Why comparing your struggles with someone else’s can be unhelpful – and how to be more flexible.
“So many people have it worse than me.”
“I’m lucky to have a roof over my head.”
“There are bigger problems in the world than mine.”
These statements are examples of comparing your struggles.
It’s extremely common – and normal – to do so from time to time. It can be a sign you are empathetic. But, if you do it a lot, it might be stopping you from experiencing your own emotions.
If you’re facing a challenge in life, no matter how big or small you think it is, it’s okay to experience and acknowledge the emotions that come with that. It can also be very helpful.
Next time you compare your challenges with someone else’s, see if you can pinpoint why.
Could it be that you don’t want to appear selfish or insensitive?
Do you think you shouldn’t feel the way you do?
Do you feel that some emotions are acceptable, but others are not?
Do you worry about appearing incompetent?
Do you think that you should be stronger, happier, or more grateful?
All of these reactions are understandable, and common. It takes courage and practice to acknowledge your feelings (a process known as validation), especially if they are confronting ones – like sadness, anger, or fear.
The good news is, acknowledging your feelings can actually help you to feel better.
If you find it difficult to acknowledge your feelings – and find yourself constantly comparing your experiences with others and invalidating your own emotions – the tips below might help.
1. Be open to your thoughts and feelings
Many people believe that some feelings are good (like happiness and excitement) and other feelings are bad (like anger or sadness).
If you have this belief, you may resist any uncomfortable or challenging emotions, and avoid, minimise, or invalidate them – to ‘sweep them under the rug’.
Avoiding for too long can often make you feel worse over time. Instead, try to be open to your thoughts and feelings.
Acceptance is key to mental wellbeing – it can help you to process your emotions and make sense of what’s happening in your life.
2. Move beyond ‘either/or’ thinking
Comparing is related to ‘either/or’ thinking. Either/or thinking is very common. It’s also known as binary thinking. In this case, it’s when you think two things cannot be true – or co-exist – at the same time. In the context of comparing it is minimising your own struggles if you believe someone else is struggling more than you.
“Either they are struggling, or I’m struggling – there’s not room for us both to be struggling.”
This way of thinking about experiences and emotions can lead to thinking there needs to be enough difficulty to justify a response. That your emotions are only valid if the struggles are big enough or are worse than someone else’s. But there doesn’t have to be a threshold where an experience is ‘enough’ to feel something. And we don’t need to think “If they are having a hard time, I can’t say I am”.
This does not mean we don’t empathise with other people. But instead of either/or, we can all have our own experience.
This can also help if you tend to say “You think you’ve got it bad, listen to this!” a statement not many people like to hear.
3. Validate your own emotions
Not everyone is a great listener. Some people will invalidate your emotions by saying things like “It could be worse” or “look on the bright side” or “I’ve got it bad too”. Often these people mean well, but their reaction may make you doubt yourself.
While it can really help to feel understood, try not to give other people too much power over how you’re feeling. You can validate your own emotions, you don’t need someone else to approve of them.
The more you practice validating your own emotions, the less you’ll find yourself engaging in comparing - and visa versa. Validation can help you to become more comfortable with a full range of feelings and experiences – both yours, and those of others.
To find out more about validation and how to notice and accept your own feelings, click here.